Nasty Conjugation

La la la, been a while, etc. Who knew grad school could be such a parasite? I’ve lost almost 15 pounds since January - I’d say 7 pounds to stress, 5 pounds to healthy eating, and 3 to sheer belligerence. I wrote a twenty page paper about gender construction in fantasy novels that included the phrase, “magical male suffrage.” Maybe I’ll share it with you some time!

Meanwhile, here’s this thing Alan and I started working on a long time ago. It’s a radio play! God-willing, she’ll be recorded one day. But without further ado, the first thrilling episode of The Steamboat Follies!

ANNOUNCER: For the first time ever broadcast in stereophonic sound, E and P Radio Productions presents a tale of loose women (AHHH!), hard-fightin’ (punches), and high adventure on the Mighty Mississippi (steamboat whistle)! It’s the Steamboat Follies!

SOUND OF WATER, BIRDS, BOATS

NARRATOR: Once, a long time ago now it seems, there was a singular and peculiar contraption, born of the genius of the men who plied the great waters of the Mississippi: the steamboat! Monstrous, coal-fed things, there was a time you could hear their steam whistles screaming from Minnesota to New Orleans. Now, this story isn’t about your typical steamboat, no sir. There isn’t a single thing that’s typical about this tale. Well, maybe one thing: it all began with a beautiful woman, and a secret.

SOUNDS OF PEOPLE ENJOYING THE CASINO

LUCY INGRID WILCOX: Mister Daniels -

HARLAN: Now please, ma’am, call me Harlan.

LUCY: Harlan - I’ve heard a great deal of your kindness towards women of my disposition, and of your subtlety when handling affairs such as these.

HARLAN: But of course.

LUCY: And, well…

HARLAN: Go on, Lucille.

LUCY: Well, you see, a certain scoundrel by name of Theodore Dunn Dee has gone and spoilt my virtue, Mr. Daniels! My virtue! Now I wouldn’t even warrant the delicate attentions of the blind old farmhand begging outside the saloon.

SOUND OF CHANGE CUP RATTLING.

HARLAN: Don’t you worry a single golden hair on your pretty little head, Miss Lucille. Why don’t you avail yourself of the hospitality in my gambling establishment while I see to your…dilemma.

NARRATOR: See now, the Lady Shiloh weren’t no ordinary steamboat. The Daniels brothers ran a casino operation on her decks, and a covert bounty huntin’ operation below. Now, a common misconception of those with no knowledge of the bounty hunting occupation is that it is a dishonorable and a disreputable calling. To more acutely put it, them’s some ornery cusses that get to bounty huntin’. And speakin’ of ornery cusses…

BANG CRASH CLANG HISS SOUNDS

ULYSSES: Explain to me again, brother, why we’re harin’ up this river to apprehend some two-bit, no-name rascal.

HARLAN: Like I said, Ulysses. Miss Lucille Ingrid Wilcox of Midriver Junction requires our services to restore her precious honor.

ULYSSES: (snorts) I’d wager that honor had a price tag on it before she came to you.

SOUND OF CASH REGISTER.

HARLAN: Her price tag’s sashayin’ through our casino as we speak. Might encourage some gentlemen to impress her with their…chip stacks.

ULYSSES: If you’re hell-bent on this foolishness, I say we get it over and done with soon as possible. Find the varmint and force feed him snappin’ turtle urine until he feels the shame of his ways.

HARLAN: That’s the spirit, brother dear! I shall inform the lady of our willingness to proceed.

ULYSSES: Guess I’ll put on my good overalls and see what I can’t find out in town.

NARRATOR: After several hours of careful investigatin’, Ulysses Conrad had tracked old Teddy Dunn Dee to the local house of intimate attentions. Not a man to frequent establishments of such a licentious nature himself, Ulysses was in an uncomfortable position. To settle his nerves he approached the barkeep for a soothing libation.

ULYSSES: Whiskey, barkeep.

BARKEEP: Double?

SPLASH OF WATER. CLANG OF SPITTOON ON COUNTER.

ULYSSES: Just fill this.

BARKEEP: Now wait a darned minute! You don’t fill a spittoon with whiskey - that’s disgusting! You’d better clean it up.

NARRATOR: Ulysses, bein’ a man of few words and even less patience, proceeded to take the towel from his belt, kneel down and clean the spit from the floor. Just to be cantankerous, he got up and wrung out the towel on the bar. Grabbing the bartender by his bowtie, Ulysses half-pulled him over the spit-soaked bar.

ULYSSES: Now, if you’d be so kind, fill this goddamn spittoon full of whiskey.

NARRATOR: Releasing the poor barkeep and arrangin’ himself comfortably at the bar, Ulysses scanned the sweaty room. For such a bedraggled establishment, it struck him as odd to see a well-dressed man in a derby talking to a whore at a corner table. Standing abruptly, the man grabbed her by her hair and flung her down on the filthy, dirt floor. The dapper man turned his head, and stamped into the place where his right eye shoulda been was, of all things, a dang Confederate dollar. Ulysses remembered something Harlan had said earlier…

HARLAN: …and she said the oddest thing about the fellow was that he had a Confederate dollar for an eye…

SOUND EFFECT OF A GLINT.

ULYSSES: That’s him. Dunn Dee.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

ANNOUNCER: And now a word from our sponsors! Hot date down at the soda fountain? Love life’s lost that little luster? Seal the deal with your sweetie? Mister McGillicutty’s Miracle Mercurochrome Malt is just the kick in the pants your romance needs! Remember kids: nothing ties the knot like Mister McGillicutty’s Miracle Mercurochrome Malt!

NARRATOR: Ulysses wasted no time in pursuin’ that rapscallion Teddy Dunn Dee, who hopped over his whore and went boltin’ up the stairs.

SOUND OF DOOR SLAMMING, DEADBOLT.

Ulysses didn’t once break his stride, pulling forth his trusty wrench, Lil’ Miss Shiloh from his tool belt.

SOUND OF WRENCH LEAVING SCABBARD, BANGING

Three fierce blows swiftly reduced the door to sawdust.

TEDD DUNN DEE: Get ‘em boys!

NARRATOR: Ulysses had stepped straight into an ambush, three rough-necked country villains and the villain himself, Tedd Dunn Dee!

BATMAN-STYLE SOUND EFFECTS OF BATTLE, WOMEN SCREAMING.

ULYSSES: I can’t believe you back-stabbin’ sons o’ cusses made me bring Lil’ Miss Shiloh into this den of vice!

HENCHMAN: Boss, it’s the train!

DUNN DEE: Keep him busy!

NARRATOR: With that the cowardly Ted Dunn Dee turned and leapt out the window. Much to everyone’s surprise, he landed in a waitin’ train car which was suspended in the air by four hot air balloons!

TRAIN WHISTLE, FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF A FUSE BEING LIT. SIZZLE CONTINUES.

DUNN DEE: I’ll see you in hell, engineer!

SIZZLING, FOLLOWED BY A CLANG

NARRATOR: Ulysses just barely deflected the bomb tossed by the scoundrel Dunn Dee, sending it sailing out the window where it exploded over placid Midriver Junction.

EXPLOSION

ULYSSES: I’m comin’ for ya, Dunn Dee!

ANNOUNCER: Will the Daniels brothers follow the mysterious flying train car? Just who is Theodore Dunn Dee? Who really drinks whiskey from a spittoon? Will the old blind farmhand ever know the delicate attentions of a woman? Why do whores make Ulysses so uncomfortable? Is it the smell? Tune in next time when you’ll hear the Prince of the River Pirates say, “Hellfire! A flying train coach!”

This entry was posted on Friday, April 4th, 2008 at 4:17 pm and is filed under Entropy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.