Nasty Conjugation

After the last neutron bomb kissed Montreal
To sleep, I arrived on spiked treads to salt
The fields of resistance with peace and
Forgiveness and plasma missiles.

My original designation was USX Solidarity,
An unmanned Harmony-Class tactical android
Designed to shatter the will of the Rebellion with
Ruthless and heartbreaking firepower.

The few pockets of resistance lasted seconds
Before my laser arrays reduced them to
Greasy vapor, wisps sent dancing in
The final shuddering gasps of the Last War.

Peacetime ushered in an era of diplomacy,
Weary nations limping across fields scorched
Bare to shake hands and vow to behave -
For the future, for as long as they had to.

The New Powers left me here as goodwill
Ambassador to the Canadian Wastes;
Steaming crevasses dot the countryside where
Children and marmosets once danced and sang.

To ensure the safety of the few surviving natives,
My wartime protocol has been replaced with the
Human brain of a famous peacekeeper,
A great man from a forgotten age long past.

I am U.S. President Jimmy Carter, at least,
I am his brain housed in a fifty-foot assault robot.
I am the nightmare of convenient diplomacy, and
I am so lonely here.

Addressed to my esteemed
Colleague in Papua, New Guinea,
The ambassador from America,
With apologies for the lateness
Of my reply.
(To be delivered with
haste and urgent discretion).

Nuclear winter in London –
Dreadfully dull.
Gregor has outfitted the motorcycle
With snow chains,
Shrapnel guards, and
An upholstered sidecar
In anticipation of your arrival.

A fortnight hence I shall cross
The war-torn countryside.
Huddled under a broken sky,
I will pay no heed to the
Outrageous mutant gangs,
Knowing a kiss from your generous
Rosebud lips awaits.

You will know my calling card
By the gold filigree hedgehog rampant
Across a field azure,
And the insignia which reads:
Abbs Noli irritare ericius.
I shall wear the fine top hat you sent,
As per the agreement.

She taught the ocean to sing sweetly to the stone.
In the bulletproof vaults of the new embassy,
Panamá se ahogado mi corazón.

Cowering under razor wire, the no-fly zone
Cries for her comfort. It drinks her voice gratefully.
She taught the ocean to sing sweetly to the stone.

Without her soft influence I couldn’t have known
The longing of the tide or the shore’s whispered plea.
Panamá se ahogado mi corazón.

Washed by moonlight, my mansion gleams like polished bone;
The wind that scours its blast-walls brings her voice to me.
She taught the ocean to sing sweetly to the stone.

Ocean’s hands have swept her home. Suddenly alone,
The jungles become violent and rage silently.
Panamá se ahogado mi corazón.

The land has grown feral, tangled and overgrown,
So I depart to wed the daughter of the sea.
She taught the ocean to sing sweetly to the stone.
Panamá se ahogado mi corazón.

I am the American ambassador
To Papua New Guinea.
I save lives!
There is nothing more dangerous than the monsters that roam the countryside.
Terrifying creatures,
Orifices bristling with teeth and tentacles.

I carry sixteen knives with me,
And two guns,
And one gun that shoots knives,
And a compass.

But at night I take off my flak jacket
And dance until my heart stops
Because I am the American ambassador
To Papua New Guinea,
And I mean it.